A week in mild amusement
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Durex-pect me to believe that
Valentine’s day came and went, prompting every singleton’s Twitter account to read like an Adele album tracklist. NHS England revealed that the day of romance leads to a mini baby boom each year. An estimated 16,263 conceptions occurred in Valentines week in 2015. In other words, 16, 263 people forgot to book a table in time and had to go with the whole ‘rose petals on the bed’ shtick. I, for one, spent my Valentines with a smoking hot bird. That being the hunter’s chicken ready meal I burnt in the oven. Serves one.
Cello, is it me you’re looking for
An 18th-century cello has been returned to a French musician after it was stolen in what must be described as the most ambitious mugging in history. Ophélie Gaillard also had her mobile phone stolen at knifepoint by the notably cultured thug. The instrument, worth €1.3m was recovered from a car after an anonymous tip-off. The thief had presumably dumped the cello after meeting difficulty trying to pass it off as an accessory selling to CEX.
Let there be 4G
Church spires could be used to boost mobile and broadband coverage in rural areas. For the first time in its existence, the church could aid in the accessibility of credible information. Digital analysts said that ‘the devil would be in the detail’ which speaks to a level of maturing for the devil. Normally he would be in a snake. When asked if the coverage would be done through BT broadband, the devil replied ‘not even I would sink that low’.
Alien vs Predata
People buying computer chips to mine crypto-currency are hindering the search for alien life. The chips used to mine Bitcoin are the same ones Seti (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) use to wait for ET to phone back. Denying us our link to speak to Xenomorphs is the 2nd worst thing Bitcoin has done. The 1st, of course, being how confusedly stupid it makes me feel when anyone mentions Bitcoin. To date, the only unexplained extraterrestrial signal was a series of frantically varying waveforms. Translated it roughly interprets as ‘strangers, from the outside ooooooooh’.
Spanish Inquisition
A new scanning technique has revealed a hidden painting underneath a Picasso masterpiece. Underneath The Crouching Woman is a landscape painting of Barcelona. This proves that no matter how introspective and arty you think your man is, he’s still ultimately focused on El Clásico. Similarly, behind Van Gogh’s Sunflowers is an oil portrait of Harry Kane. The Sistine Chapel roof originally depicted a Ferrari Testarossa. And behind the Mona Lisa, an inscription simply reads ‘lads lads lads’.
Men are for Mars, Women buy Venus
The Office for National Statistics has revealed teenager’s spending habits. Apparently, around the age of 13-15, girls begin to spend far more on regular toiletries than boys do. I can’t imagine why. Boys spend more than 10 times the amount on computer games than girls do, which as a spokesman for all males, I can attest to. Girls spend double the amount on books as boys do between the ages of 7-15. They’re also probably better at the Wingardium Leviosa spell.
For last week’s roundup, apply pressure here.