Kieran

Here we are again. It’s year three of me putting myself through the ordeal of watching every best picture nominee for the Academy Awards. And this year, boy did they outdo themselves. After the whole race row of a few years ago, you would think they would have learned. But, it turns out, they thought […]

No, you aren’t going to get shot going to watch this film. Joker is directed by the guy who made The Hangover trilogy and uses that basis to claim comedy is dead. We know Todd. We saw them too. It stars Joaquin Phoenix (a name I will spell once and only once) as Arthur Fleck. […]

Well, that’ll teach me to get my hopes up. IT: Chapter 2 is the sequel to the 2017 horror about a child-eating clown. A film that is excellent when it’s being a charming kid-drama and annoying when it’s being a dull jump-scare fest. All in all, it was good enough to get me to read […]

According to just about every Hollywood-scoping, star-scanning, movie minding website on the internet, Tom Holland’s Spider-Man is being dragged, webbing and screaming, from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The previous two films featuring Holland’s Peter Parker (Spider-Man: Homecoming and Spider-Man: Far From Home) have been well received by fans and critics alike. So why would anyone […]

I mean, couldn’t they have just let Beyoncé and Childish Gambino make a cover album and avoided all this? Hello. I’m back. I have descended from my mountain cave at the whisper on the winds of a new Disney ‘live-action’ remake to get annoyed at. This time, it’s not even live-action at all. The Lion […]

Of all the attempted cinematic universes trying to copy Marvel, who would have thought Godzilla and King Kong would be the ones to succeed. Godzilla: King of the Monsters is the sequel to the 2014 Godzilla movie which everyone either thought was great or boring. I thought it was both. This time around, it stars […]

It’s been a busy week for me. I’ve seen four movies, only one of which I feel I can actually talk about for any length of article. So I thought, I’d save myself the stretching and do some quick-fire reviews for the first three. Aladdin Aladdin is the latest live-action remake of a classic Disney […]

The film that I will never be able to stop accidentally calling ‘perineum’. John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum, henceforth referred to as John Wick 3, is a direct sequel to the first two action movies that revitalized Keanu Reeves’ blockbuster career. It follows the titular assassin as he is forced out of his shadowy hitman […]

Well, at least now I know what all the non-Marvel fans felt like walking out of Endgame. Pokémon Detective Pikachu is a noir/comedy detective story based on the universe of the eponymous games. It stars Justice Smith as disappointingly blandly named Tim Goodman, a disaffected youth with a troubled relationship with his father. It also […]

Who’s your Baghdadi The leader of Islamic State has appeared in a video for the first time in five years. His newest release declared war on the infidel western world and all of its wretched citizen’s suckling at the teat of heathen democracy before urging viewers to like and subscribe and click the bell icon […]

Aah 2019. I knew you’d come around eventually. Avengers: Endgame is the 22nd film in the MCU and, in effect, does exactly what it says on the tin. It concludes the story we started in 2008 with an AC/DC backed Tony Stark, back when Christian Bale was still Batman and Barack Obama became president. It […]

Oh dear 2019. You aren’t doing brilliantly are you. Hellboy is a reboot of the franchise from the mid-2000s and an adaptation of the comics of the same name. It stars Stranger Things‘ David Harbour as the demon who fights for the US government against paranormal threats. And it’s not very good. I’m in three […]

Is it just me that feels a bit weird about films having punctuation in their title? I can accept a colon. But that’s my limit. Shazam! (see, it’s weird, right?) is the latest film from DC and Warner Brothers. It stars Asher Angel as Billy Batson, a 14-year-old who gains the ability to transform into […]

Hollywood ruddy loves a trilogy. It’s a cool word that people remember the meaning of. Think you know what a four movie series is called? A quadrilogy right? Wrong. It’s a tetralogy and honestly who has time to remember that. Second off, two is the smallest number needed to establish a pattern and so the […]

Look, Disney. I’ve been sort of guiltily fine with the sinister monopoly you’re establishing in Hollywood. But that was when you were making good stuff. Out of the three live-action remakes, Disney is giving us this year, 1941’s Dumbo makes the most sense to make. Firstly, it’s much much older than either Aladdin or The […]

Hung Parliament A dozen protesters stripped naked in the House of Commons to bring attention to climate change. Because only a naked male body can truly exemplify when there’s a drastic change in temperature. Despite the intent of the demonstration, the MPs continued discussing the enthralling subject of Brexit. You have to give Theresa May […]

Listen, the movie’s great but can we stop with minimalist titles? If I text my girlfriend saying that I want to talk about Us, it sends the wrong message Jordan mate. Us is the second directed film from Jordan Peele, director of Get Out and fair warning, Get Out‘s shadow looms heavy over this review. […]

It’s that time of year again kids. That time being, that in honour of St. Patrick’s Day I will attempt to convey the week’s news in the highest form of art. That being the humble limerick. Count yourself lucky that this is only a couple of days late this year, instead of the three months […]

Let’s be honest, if I was going to turn on Marvel at any point, it wasn’t going to be this movie. Captain Marvel is the newest and most easily branded movie for Marvel Studios. It stars Brie Larson as the titular space soldier/superman surrogate. In it, she must prevent 1990s Earth from an invasion by […]

The Oscars ceremony takes place this Sunday – click here for my predictions – and thankfully I’ve finished my homework in record time. Rather than boring everyone with a rapidly produced series of lukewarm 300-word reviews, I found this alternative. So you’re welcome. I’ve tried to pack as much detail as I could into these […]

It’s crunch time. Time for me to put my meagre reputation on the line and make a half-informed series of guesses at a number of the Academy Award nominations. Last year I got five right out of the eight I guessed but that was a year with a much more predictable climate. The BAFTAS and […]

This week I’ve set myself the challenge of doing AWIMA without mentioning the BLT words. In this context, clearly, B is for Brexit. T is for Trump. And L could honestly stand for anything but this week lets say it’s for Liam Neeson. God knows I’m not touching that burning skip of hot takes. Please […]

I mean someone’s done every ‘glass half empty’ joke by this point, hasn’t it? Glass is the sequel to 2016’s Split which was a shadow sequel to 2000’s Unbreakable. Series creator M. Night Shyamalan directs and it is the story of the three main characters from the first two movies meeting in an insane asylum. […]

Well this franchise snuck under the radar, didn’t it? You could be forgiven for being unaware that Glass is the 2nd in a trilogy at all. Director M. Night Shyamalan sneakily shoehorned the 2016 movie Split into being a sequel to his film Unbreakable from 16 years earlier. Which is where I come in to painstakingly […]

And they’re off! The morbid list of films I’m now going to force myself to sit through is now online. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I sort of hate the Oscars but at the same time, I’m weirdly fascinated by them. So let’s see if there are any real surprises in the […]

Collider Scope Cern is planning to build an even bigger version of the Large Hadron Collider. I remember when the last one was turned on and many feared it would produce a black hole that would destroy the world. I imagine it’ll be identical when they turn the new one on with the exception of […]

Since Matt Smith’s 2nd series, I’ve thought of DW as the best bad show on television. Or the worst good show, depending on the episode. Steven Moffat’s writing style often convoluted simple and effective concepts in service of unsatisfying mystery boxes. The new showrunner Chris Chibnall had a lot to improve on for the new […]

We finally did it, folks. We finally collectively stopped supporting the Transformers franchise with our money. Shame we did it with the first good one. Bumblebee is a spin-off/prequel/potential reboot of the Transformers movies. I say potential because this film ignores and actively contradicts the events of those films, however so does each successive entry […]

Hey did anyone else see Black Panther? Because DC did. Aquaman is the latest effort from Warner Bros to cash in on their DC characters. James Wan of Fast and Furious fame directs and Jason Momoa stars as the titular king. In this film, Aquaman must unite the seven sea kingdoms by finding a magical […]

Twas the Night before Christmas and all through the land Not a person was voting, as Theresa had planned. The public was off. They were all flying home, Unless airport security couldn’t locate a drone. The children were nestled all snug in their beds; While Dominic Raab quietly sold off their meds. And Melania in her […]

Well, folks, when mid-December arrived, I thought my 2018 top ten was basically locked-in. How wrong I was. Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse is an animated movie from Sony. I know, I thought the same thing. It features Miles Morales, a young man who involves himself in an inter-dimensional adventure with different versions of Spider-man from […]

Mediocre recent adaptations aside, I really like the story of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. It’s a fable of the dangers of self-isolation, superiority complexes and shunning joy. The Grinch is a symbol equalling Ebenezer Scrooge in cultural ubiquity during December. And he’s better than Scrooge. Because he’s green and looks better on an ironic Christmas […]

I dunno about you, I feel like I’ve been away a long time. I was beginning to feel a semblance of happiness before I committed to staring down this week’s ‘amusing’ news. But with my mental wellbeing returned to a satisfactorily trudging internal scowl, let’s dive in. Serkis act If Theresa May just released a […]

Toxic masculinity: The movie stars Michael B. Jordan, Sylvester Stallone and Dolph Lundgren and it’s bloody fantastic. Creed 2 is a sequel to both 2016’s amazing Creed and also to 1985’s Rocky IV. It features the return of the latter film’s antagonist Ivan Drago, who killed Adonis Creed’s father Apollo, with his monstrous son Viktor. […]

It occurred to me when excitedly explaining the premise for Creed 2 that unthinkably, some people haven’t seen Rocky IV. Now, I’m a man who believes that Creed is enjoyable without having seen any previous movies. That said, I also recognise that a film assuming knowledge can be a tad distracting. So despite this series being […]

Hey, I didn’t know we were getting a remake of Batman Begins this year. How come no one told me? Except now Bruce Wayne is calling himself Robin of Loxley and Ra’s al Ghul is Arthur from Peaky Blinders. Robin Hood is 2018’s version of that King Arthur movie from last year, in that, I’ll […]

Missionary position Now, you know me. I’m not a man who likes to laugh at the misfortune of others. I swear I’m not, or my name isn’t Kieran Schadenfreude Macfadzean. But when someone gets themselves killed in such a hilariously avoidable fashion for a similarly laughable reason, I allow myself a chuckle. This was the […]

I wasn’t going to write this review. Someone else was going to have to cover this because I doubted my ability to think objectively due to my deep unconditional love of all things Harry Potter. I needn’t have worried about that. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald is the sequel to 2016’s Fantastic Beasts and Where […]

Kudos to the genius who had the idea to release a film about a being who hates Christmas in November. That’s a finger on the zeitgeist right there. The Grinch is the latest 86-minute adaptation of a 69-page children’s book. It depicts Benedict Cumberbatch’s Grinch as he plans his dastardly scheme while Whoville prepares for Christmas. […]

Long may he rain It’s a new week and its AWIMA. You know what that means. Time to type Trump’s name into Google and see what he’s done this time. The US president has refused to attend a WW1 memorial service amidst poor weather conditions. The weather was described as ‘near-zero visibility’ so Donald opted […]

Bohemian Rhapsody depicts the career of the rock band Queen and, more specifically, the life of Freddie Mercury. This got me thinking, which pop stars of the modern day should receive the same treatment in 20 years? Here are our contemporary picks. Ariana Grande For better or worse, this music megastar has had an incredible […]

It’s finally over. My self-imposed curse of watching every Halloween film is done. The main thing I’ve realised is that I’m not so much a fan of Halloween as much as a fan of the main theme. Halloween is the third film in the Halloween franchise named Halloween... Halloween. It concerns the re-escape of serial […]

It’s the designated spookiest time of the year. And Halloween parties are near unavoidable. No one wants to be that person who constantly receives grief for their lack of costume. Not to worry though, your old uncle Kieran is here to help with a few costume ideas that won’t break the teeteringly fragile bank. Shaun […]

Mail Aggression So some lunatic’s been sending pipe bombs through the US post. Cesar Sayoc is accused of mailing explosives to prominent Democrats and Trump critics. Honestly, I’m quite offended I didn’t get one. But then, I have switched address quite a lot recently. If there’s a smoking crater in Sandyford in the near future, […]

The Halloween series primarily focuses on serial killer Michael Myers and his would-be victim Laurie Strode. I’m going to do my best here to boil down the franchise into its bare essence. I sat through all ten films for this and that was like a part-time job in itself so by golly I’m gonna write […]

Have you ever sat in the cinema knowing that this is the final time you’ll ever watch the film? Well, now I have. Johnny English Strikes Again is the third instalment of a baffling franchise. I mean, I like the first one well enough but did we need a trilogy? It seems they just pick Johnny […]

Let’s get down from business X-Factor contestants who were filmed excitedly enjoying business class were sent back to economy once filming stopped. I don’t see why people are annoyed by this. The short taste of opulence followed by a hard push back to poverty is great practice for the eventual winner. The only way they […]

At some point, we’ve all wished we had magical powers. Well, the following individuals on this list were granted that dream and, as far as we’re concerned, squandered it. Consider the following magicians, wizards or sorcerers who majorly wasted their abilities. Gandalf (Lord of the Rings) The Fellowship of the Ring’s resident wizard, Gandalf is, […]